The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

Sometimes life really does throw you lemons. The old adage of ‘making lemonade’ out of these lemons seems trite – even if I was to also add a heavy amount of vodka to the mix. Then I am reminded of the idea that life/god only gives you what you can handle. Well, frankly, I am at my uppermost limit of things I can handle right now so thank you very much universe. I will now gracefully tread water until the monsoon waves have died down to a light ripple once again.

My question is: why is it that everything always seems to happen at the same time? I can understand that nothing ever stays static – that the ONLY thing one can be rest assured with is that change is inevitable (no matter how much we would prefer that is just stay the same). Change, taxes and death = the 3 things we cannot avoid. But WHY does all the change have to happen at the same time?

Needless to say that I am not a huge fan of change. I am one of those resistant types who isn’t necessarily afraid of change (although at certain times I am petrified); but to be honest, I would like life to maintain a status quo. A balance of sorts, where when change does come into play, it would happen one at a time so that I could examine it, choose the best possible action/inaction, allow the change to filter into my life and adapt naturally and peacefully to a better life all around. But is that what life gives me? Absolutely not!!

I told a friend of mine about all the things that were going on in my life right now and she replied: “The good, the bad and the ugly, you covered it all didn't you!” To be honest I had not looked at it like that but ironically she hit the nail right on the head.

So here it is:

The good: I have taken my relationship to the next level and have moved in with my partner. It’s nice to be able to see him everyday now because the distance was truly very hard on me. He’s ruined me. I used to have to sleep alone, but now I can’t seem to sleep well without him next to me.

The bad: Ironically the universe has a HUGE sense of humour, knowing full well how much I DESPISE moving… the day before I moved in, the landlord told us that he was putting the place up for sale. WTF?! So, this also acts as a great deterrent to unpack.

And finally, the truly ugly: I found out last Friday that my mom’s cancer has returned after 25 years. Her primary cancer 25 years ago was in her intestine; now it is in her breast. The surgeon is going to schedule the operation asap (within a few weeks) and will do the dye test that morning to check and see if it will just be a lumpectomy, or a full radical mastectomy. She’s taking the news as well as can be expected – better than expected actually. She sees it as having 25 bonus extra healthy years. What scares me a bit is that it seems as though she is already planning how she will die and how long she will stick around. I myself am torn. I am happy that she is in a good place right now about it in her head, she is turning 75 this year so she’s lived a good life; she didn’t die when I was 12 so I too had an extra bonus of having her around to watch me grow and look after me. I am however, not quite ready to lose my mom. How can one rationalize death? Especially of one’s parents? I have many friends who have either lost one or even both of their parents at a young age, and I was always grateful to be someone who has both still… but for how long?

We all had a scare last year when my dad had to have a quadruple bypass surgery. Pretty scary for someone who has never been severely sick before, and even more difficult to deal with his stubbornness. But he survived and is doing well thankfully. But does mom have it in her to stick it out and stay? My deepest fear is seeing her suffer the way my aunt and uncle did. I would like to spare her of that, but sadly that decision is out of my hands. All I can do is remember to breathe, pray for the best and take each moment as it comes. Forget day-by-day, it’s moment-to-moment for me now.

xoxo