Falling... in more ways than one.

So here I am again, wondering what the heck I'm doing on the computer when I'm so tired. Yesterday evening I slipped on some ice outside and it was on a frozen mound of soil - which perfectly molded to my spine. Needless to say I thought of Homer's chiropractic contraption of his garbage can as I got up. It wasn't until an hour or so later when the aches & pains actually started - right from my head & neck - down my entire back right to my tailbone & butt. I had a nice bath last night, but this morning I contemplated not getting out of bed because I was in so much overall pain - that and only getting 4 hours of sleep does not put Lanny in the best of moods. The 100 monkey marathon started at about 4:30 in the morning and decided to crap all over my mind. But finally out of bed, into the shower and off to work I went.


Walking on my way to work, I was grumbling about something in my head - what exactly I was complaining about escapes me now because of what I saw next. I saw a woman with 2 small girls, one who was walking beside her who was about 4 yrs old, and a toddler who she was pushing in a stroller. As I approached them, the little girl in the stroller smiled so wide at me she was showing me all of her new teeth (and spaces between where the new ones would soon arrive). The spring morning sun was shining on her face and her absolute joy took my breath away. She was so complete and shining in her own radiance already - beauty enhanced by the warm spring sun on this glorious morning. She simply sparkled. I couldn't help but stop the 100 monkey marathon in my head and become present to this little angel ahead of me. It lasted until I arrived at work... at least I had 15 mins of complete joy.

So you're wondering where else I've fallen? Well if you are wondering if I have fallen in love - your wrong, although I wish you weren't. It is hard enough to deal with being attracted to someone who does not share the same attraction to you - even though there seems to be a spark there... don't you all agree? I think most, if not all of us have shared this affliction at one point in time or another. What is worse than that you ask? For starters, men who leave without reason. They just disappear. It's like a magic trick of the heart that's gone horribly wrong. They claim that it has nothing to do with you - that it's all 'their stuff' that they are working through. Space - I give them all the space in the world - to the point where I have retreated to my familiar ruling planet of Pluto (and yes, in MY world, Pluto is still a planet), and yet somehow I still expect to hear from them at some point in time... at least to tell me that they are alive and breathing on their own without the aid of certain medical life-saving devices. Is is something about me? Is it something I do or say that drives these men away? Do I smell? I've been told that I smell nice by many people so I do not understand what is driving them out of my life. I am patient - but only so far - I am not THAT big of a dolt. But it still hurts to know that no matter what I say, or how I try to be there for someone to help - or give them space (whatever it is that they tell me they need) - it seems as though nothing I do or not do is the right thing to do... or not do.

It is time for more change - I can feel it in the air. Moving to a new place as of May 1st, talking and meeting new people - but it's time to take stock in life - again. I am now 36.5 - still unmarried and still maintaining this hope that I would have children in my life. Is it a pipe dream at this point in time? Complications arise - would any man love me enough to even want to try when it's not a guarantee with me - or will he just leave and go for a younger woman who would have no complications for pregnancy? At this point - I feel as though I am damaged goods... and sometimes I have a difficult time believing that a man would want me for all of me, for the woman that I am - not just for a physical relationship - but a friend. A companion. Someone to share life with? Does this man even exist? 3 years ago I became aware that men actually DO feel emotions - now whether they express them or not is another HUGE matter. I mean when they have been conditioned from birth to not feel anything, not show any emotions other than anger and joy because big boys don't cry - what happens to everything in between?

I know I am not the only woman in this world who rants about this... but I am SO tired of being single. Tired of making ALL the decisions alone, tired of not having someone there to ask me how my day was, or help with the chores, or even go grocery shopping with, play and wrestle with. Cook & dine with. Visit friends & family with. Go on vacation somewhere - anywhere with. I've never experienced having a date for a major holiday or event. Weddings have killed me so many times. There's the rub! Some friend or family member who you love dearly, gets married to the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with - and I'm always the singleton surrounded by couples. Not only that, but it's even worse when you are there with your parents without any backup - no wingman - nadda. All you want for the happy couple is for them to continue to feel bliss - meanwhile you're surrounded by Aunts wondering why the hell your younger cousins are all married and you're still unattached - old maid!!! Rant, rant, bitch, bitch. 'Happy people make my ass twitch... fester, fester, fester - rot, rot, rot'. (French Kiss - movie quote)

My my my - where have the monkeys taken me this evening? Too far from the present moment and the now I suppose. It seems to me that my physical pain has triggered some emo pain along with it. Time to go to bed and try to get some peace from the monkey marathon. At least I am back in the moment now and very, VERY aware that I am now completely & utterly exhausted.

Good night & sweet dreams everyone. I promise not to bitch & complain next time I write.
Namaste.
Lanny xoxo