Becoming the adult (Flashlight piece for spring 2010 IJC newsletter)

Whew! The energy inside, rushing, full throttle, wind through my hair, screaming at the top of my lungs and that RUSH of gold light within me, activating my core kundalini fire from the root to the crown faster than the speed of light. In the present, I now feel truly alive. Multitude of moments, linked together in the here and now, allowing me to see, sense and know things about myself and the world around me. Life is changing rapidly in front of my eyes and yet there is an ever present stillness that connects me to my own spirit and the ground beneath my feet.

Momentary lapses of fear take hold at times, makes me question, deny and run through old programming tapes – tapes which now are cut into shorter pieces which allows me to ‘wake up’ quicker in order to question why I am thinking this or who’s voice is this in my head. My adult observer – so quiet and still, asks the ever present, current question every single time: “Are you happy?” I inhale deeply, checking in with my spirit and a calm, peaceful rush flows over me as a wash of beautiful light and I know the answer is ‘yes’.

This coming from someone who has battled deep and severe depression combined with suicidal thoughts and absolute internal rage for most of her life. To look back on my life as it was before I took the IJ back in March of 2006, to where I am now, I sometimes forget how or who I once was. To me, this new level of ‘be-ing’ feels like I’ve known this part of myself for many lifetimes and I feel at times that I have truly come ‘home’ within myself. I would not choose to do anything over again knowing what I know now because the trials, pain & suffering I went through allowed me to have the openings and core healings that I have had in the past few years and will continue to experience until I make a final transition from this life into the unknown. I would not trade any of it – for the times I felt the most pain & loss, I have now experienced such joy, passion and healing not only within myself, but with those around me who I love deeply. Especially now being with family. To come from feeling as though I had to ‘escape’ to Ottawa many years ago, to the forgiveness and bountiful love I feel for both parents now - words cannot describe the depth of gratitude I have for this work and for those around me who I have shared this experience with.

Moving from one space and transitioning into the unknown, I have jumped into my first adult relationship of my life with my eyes & heart wide open. Only six months have passed and in one way it feels as though I only met him yesterday, and at other times I feel as though I’ve been in this space for many lifetimes. At times the 100 monkeys in my mind start their screaming rants. Their questioning, their negativity, the countless fears start chiming away like out of tune, broken bells in my mind - trying to shatter the stillness of my soul. Gratitude for those around me who check me back into the here and now, even at times calling my fears ‘ridiculous’ allows me to come back to my own core and reclaim the lightness of life through laughter. Because really, how ridiculous can those judges be at times?

Daring to take the next step of moving in together, we are both open to just being here and now with each other. We are careful to not make too many future plans. Staying open to future possibilities as opposed to concrete ideas of what our future will/ should look like, has given me the flexibility and space to just breathe and experience what I am going through now, in this moment. Because who knows what the future will bring? And having no attachment to what may/ may not happen have allowed us both to experience life with a kind of innocence that I have not shared with anyone in a very long time. This innocent child inside looks at this life with new wonder and possibilities and gets very excited about this moment, right now, and how she feels inside this dynamic life.

I not only want to thank Michael and Neelama for this program, but also my dear friends who have supported my continuing transformation. Yet I save the biggest thank you which goes to me. For allowing myself to openly look at, examine and transform my life into something beyond what I could ever imagine for myself before. Holding the hand of my protector, she knows that I will take care of things from a new vantage point and as she continually points out the pit falls and threatening areas and situations, I breathe in a deep, cleansing breath, allowing the light to wash over me, becoming still and waiting patiently until spirit speaks.