Re-defining relationships

Having said good-bye to my parents as they embarked on their 6.5hr journey home last Wednesday night – I am still surprised by how surprisingly well their 5-day visit was. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that every family has their ups and downs, but it’s no secret that my parents have an ‘interesting’ non-communicative relationship which usually ends in anger to rage, constant bitching and silence. I find it interesting how different one’s views and reactions to people can be changed by just changing the scenery – or in this case the location. The location being my apartment in Ottawa – a 6.5 hr drive away from the location where the usual ritualistic angry banter or silence usually takes place. Home – where I feel torn between the calm and relaxing environment of Meaford, Ontario, conflicted with the torment of continual hate and indifference – usually ending with my feeling as helpless as a silent 3 year old. Whenever I go home to visit for a holiday, it is inevitable that my parents will constantly be trapped in their fighting ritual. But this time with the location being changed, moods were different, attitudes changed, everyone on their best behaviour – but seemingly not forced.

I honestly do not remember another time in my life of almost 36 years where all three of us managed to get along without incident (perhaps because I was also graciously not witness to the confined travel time of 6+ hours). Never-the-less, a refreshing change and a moment of gratitude was felt inside me when I realized that people DO change, people DO mellow, and those who are bound by love CAN change. Understanding that there is still a tremendous amount of underlying pain, hurt and emotions, knowing that the three of us can be together as a family for a few days in a row was an incredible emotional gift – one that I will treasure always. Even if it never happens again, I will always know it CAN happen and DID.

More blessings and exciting visits are happening this month – which is making October fly by in excitement, anticipation and rekindled friendships with family & friends. Seeing my cousin Carl – who I’ve only seen twice since he and his family moved to BC when I was young – is a wonderfully comforting experience. Knowing that the family bond is still so strong and present - while being physically separated by such a huge distance, allows a sense of comfort knowing that even though I’m an only child – my family is there. I miss him, his sisters Janette and Emily a tremendous amount as we all grew up and spent so much time together when we were so young. Knowing that they are healthy and doing well allows me to feel pride in their accomplishments even as it pulls on my heart-strings being so far away. Having the opportunity to spend more quality time with Carl as I was able to show him Ottawa by touring him around and spending time over dinner – talking and sharing stories once again. Finally saying goodbye to him and hugging him and unfortunately knowing we had to let go, knowing that our family bond is still as strong as ever – strengthens my heart on one side and tears it apart knowing we live so far away. I am happy to know that he’s home safe and sound with his beautiful family only to wish I lived closer.

Then turning around and having my University sister and her husband come to visit this past weekend as well is something I’ve been looking forward to for months! Losing track of Janice (Jamme) has been something that has bothered me for years. Janice was the first person I met at Carleton University and we became instant friends when she walked into my dorm room and asked “Which one are you? Manon or Alana?”. Being so incredibly shy, Janice arriving in my life was just what I needed to survive my years in Ottawa. Being able to reconnect with her has healed my heart on a level that was eluding me for some time. Who knew Facebook could be so helpful!

As this blog has actually been written over the past few days (only because October has been an absolutely INSANELY busy month for me that I just haven’t had any time to write…) I figure I should end now. Knowing that relationships not only change, but can grow stronger if you nurture them – even if you thought that distance has killed it completely – I invite everyone to search for that tiny green bud of new growth on the stem – struggling to grow – give it water, light, opportunity, nourishment and above all else, love. You might be pleasantly surprised by what grows as a result, not only with your relationships with others, but your relationship with yourself.

The demise of great expectations

Over the past few months I have been seeing a man who has brought quite a bit of joy as well as quite a bit of misery into my life. Recently I have come to realise that the reason why I have felt misery about him is due to the fact that I had unconsciously placed expectations on this person and our relationship. Whether they were ‘reasonable’ or not, I have come face to face with the fact that internal emotional pain comes from deep core wounds from our past, rising up and setting up expectations of how a relationship with another person ‘should’ be. This in essence puts conditions on the relationship right from the start. Seeing this all come about and how unconditional these beliefs are, I have come to realize that the pain I was experiencing was coming from a place where these expectations were not being met by the other. These fantasies, day-dreams of how our lives could be, should be while together was keeping me from seeing the reality of the situation. Now there have been moments of what I like to refer to as ‘clarity’ whereby I would recognise these needs that I have and approached him with them, telling him what I need for him to do to make me feel safe, secure and wanted in this relationship. Figuring that was the most honest and adult way to express these inherent needs that I have – I was attempting to reach out to him – and then (here’s the kicker) – expecting him to follow my beautifully laid out map to mutual happiness. When he did not follow the map, and continued to give me conflicting messages, I understood that it wasn’t me. For the first time I realized that his shit is his shit, my shit is my shit and neither the two shall meet. I truly mean this because in relationships the other acts as a mirror, showing you exactly what it is you need to do to fix yourself. It never works on the other, only yourself. Only you can change the way you look at yourself, your life and the beautiful spirits who share this journey with you.