Archived writings (2006): Home

If I’ve been away from here too long, my body starts to ache, my mind begins to clutter and every day anxiety builds to a point of explosion. The long and scenic drive that is necessary to bring me back to this freedom is in its very essence - a transformative voyage. From the city streets and the busy, violent traffic leading to a quiet, two-lane granny highway through the rough terrain of the Canadian shield and Kawartha Lakes; through Orillia and Lake Simcoe; reaching Horseshoe valley to Highway 26 - the final stretch all the way to Meaford on the shores of Nottawasaga Bay – an arm of the mighty Georgian. Driving by forests, swamps and lakes, through the new beginnings of spring to the dangerous and unexpected blinding snow and ice of the Canadian winters – I drive my small car through anything to recharge my soul’s batteries. Once my car’s wheels hit the familiar pavement of Highway 26, my memories flood back and I then know ‘it’s all downhill from here’. Driving past the lookout at Craigleith and seeing the bay in all it’s glory always takes my breath away and the familiar tears of remembrance fall slowly down my cheek – every single time.

Life is different here. The normal hustle and bustle of everyday city life has evaporated. Subtle nuances of a slower more patient existence flows naturally from the every day parlances of the locals among themselves. Every breath is a beginning, full of life’s energy and power. The air is different here, not just in the lack of smog and pollution, but with the hint of fresh water air, life and numerous possibilities. Every day is the same, yet different in every moment. I stand outside with my arms outstretched and breathe in the spring air. Its light scent takes me back to a time when I was young – playful and innocent. Breathing deep into my belly fills me with the air of new possibility.

Being here calms every cell in my body. My mind clears, my soul opens and I realize life is truly beautiful. My body vibrates to the energy that seems to radiate from the glorious combination of the majestic Blue Mountain and the dynamic Georgian Bay. I walk down the newly rebuilt boardwalk to the break wall of Meaford’s harbour. This is my place. This is where I find solitude and peace. I climb on the rocks that divide the mighty bay from the inlet of the harbour and I watch life in every moment of breath. The sunlight rippling off the water, the gulls fishing for food, the sailboats gracefully crossing the horizon – every moment is in its grace. Nowhere on Earth have I ever felt this connection – so real and unadulterated. This is what all humans search for - this moment, this peace. I am fortunate to recognize and have such access to this beauty - for this is my home.

Archived writings (Apr 2006): Ex 2 - Short detailed emotions

BEAUTY

The folds of the petals are so soft and silky to the touch. So tender and delicate, it seems as though a simple breath could prove disastrous. The brightness of the white rose, so gentle and pure, gracefully dancing in the light and playful summer breeze is completely breathtaking. The soft flowing veins within each petal to guide the bees to nectar is god’s map to bliss. The aroma of the rose is pure and unadulterated. No artificial chemical compound can come close to the pure essence of the rose. The heady aroma flows lightly upon the summer air and I drift slowly into a daydream state remembering youthful days spent in my mother’s rose garden.


BEAUTY II

His eyes are transfixed and are unable to move. There she is, sitting on the park bench ahead of him so free and yet so alone. His gaze moves over her slowly. Her hair is radiant under the sun’s afternoon rays and flows down her back like a satin river of ebony. He wants to reach out and put his fingers through the long soft strands and lose himself in the light and fresh shampoo that she always uses. The wind catches her skirt and playfully brushes against her legs. He sees that she has been out walking again as her skin is brushed with a tint of coppery bronze. He remembers when she cries her blue eyes turn to a shade of translucent blue glass that tears his heart open. He knows he hurt her. Will she ever forgive him?


LAUGHTER

Their eyes are alive with the fierceness of playful giddiness. She tries to recapture her composure and puts on the attempted mask of serious defence and manages to blurt out ‘Stop tickling me! I MEAN it!’ His grin slowly expands across his face like the Cheshire cat’s as his arms reaches out to her body. Her chest heaves with anticipated breath, as she now knows her fate. She’s caught and there’s no escape. His hands are quick and alive. They’re all over her body like lightning, lightly touching, gentle tickles that never end. Her laugh escapes uncontrollably and she can’t catch her breath. Her face is flushed as she squirms under his weight. His laughter at her roars and he continues his pursuit.


LOVE

She has never felt this before, this strange foreign emotion. She looks into his eyes and she sees him, not the façade he projects into the surrounding world; but the pure, strong, beautiful essence that is his masculinity. His eyes are deep they seem to draw her soul into him. He smiles at her lovingly and she knows that he will not hurt her, that she is finally safe. His strength not only radiates from him physically, but emotionally as well and she feels as though this is the one person in this world she can let inside her heart. He will protect and honour this fragile item and protect it even from her self-deprecating mind. A part of her mind is fighting this, saying this is corny, he would never feel this way about you… but he steps forward and close enough for her to smell his freshly scented soap and is finally able to relax in the nearness of him. She can feel his breath on her skin. His hands reach out and slowly caress her shoulders. He knows she’s dealing with many emotions and family issues – some of which she has not let him in to know yet. She is so delicate that he feels the need to protect her from even the slightest harm. He takes her into his arms and she collapses into his body. His strength she has learned to rely on is here and now.


HATE /RAGE

The dark energy overtakes my body, making my core shake. My extremities are on fire and it is though I will explode in a nanosecond. My heart is now cold and dead as I glare at my enemy. Love does not exist in this place, only the darkest, deepest, most vile and disturbing hate that cannot even be named. I try and spit but the taste cannot be purged. I loathe this beast and the only thing stopping me from tearing into his skin with my fingernails and ripping his black heart out with my bare hands is the fact that prison bars separate him from me. I feel my eyes are on fire as I completely lose control, screaming, killing him with my mind in so many horrific, x-rated ways full of blood, guts and gore. The sounds that come out of my mouth are no longer human; they are from my primal core – dark, anguished and full of anger and power – and yet there is silence. I stare at him with the will to taste blood. My attorney turns to me to ask if I would like something to drink. I smile at my thoughts as I would reply ‘Yes, to taste in the victory of his death, I would like some of his blood’. I turn to the young struggling soul beside me and reply ‘No, I am fine. Thank you.’

Archived writings (Apr 2006): "This is what I¹m thinking..."

This is what I¹m thinking, alone among all these crazy people. What is it exactly that defines sane from insane? Sanity is defined by social norms, by what is considered “normal” by our peers. Yet if I was anywhere else - in another country, another tribe, surrounded by people who have other notions of what is sane – I might be the one that’s insane. Maybe they are all normal, and I’m the abnormality. Maybe eating paste does require a higher functionality than what I possess. I mean, who eats paste? Why do they eat paste? Maybe a wax crayon or two thrown in there for good measure would not only mix up the textures but also provide a distinct yet familiar flavour from childhood. Maybe “my fragile little mind” as Cartman from South Park would say, can’t handle the truth and purity of eating paste. Is there a difference in hierarchy of those who eat paste compared to those who eat bugs? There are various societies who have survived by eating various creatures, insects included. Who am I to say that they are insane because I prefer not to taste the exoskeleton of a 6-legged creature that spends its life in the dirt or god forbid - feces? If it’s normal for some, how can it be considered abnormal for another?

I have to also consider that if I were to be in a room full of serial killers, would I then not be the odd-person out? The abnormality thereby defined as insane by those around me? I mean, I’m sure there has to be something fundamentally wrong with these people, there has to be – but what exactly is it that makes them insane? Is it the act itself? Is it the thoughts behind the act? It is the thoughts leading up to the act? Is it their childhood being reflected back into the present time affecting their decisions in the here and now? If they grew up in a violent home and violence towards others is the only thing they know, then it’s their “norm”; therefore it’s sane for them. It’s the only thing that makes sense to them. I mean - norms are essentially what we learn from birth onward. It’s what we’re taught, to colour inside the lines, to deviate is to be punished – but who decides what is the absolute right and wrong? State? Religion? Parents? CNN? If it was an absolute right against an absolute wrong – why are there so many differences in all of the cultures of our small little mother earth?

I must admit, that without these differences, we’d live life as clones of each other. Nothing different, everything the same just so none of us were considered “different”. How would we grow? How would we learn from each other if we were all identical? Some twisted and sick horror film would result and there would be absolutely no meaning to life. What is the meaning of life anyway? Hasn’t it been thought over and hashed out for millennia? Why are we then no closer to the truth? Maybe, it’s because we continue to search outwards for the answers instead of within ourselves.

I think the crazy people are the sanest of all of us. They don’t care about the price of gas; how their RRSPs and other futures are doing on the stock market; if the car they drive or the house they live in is “respectable” enough for their “class”; how they will deal with their own fragile bodies once it starts it’s inevitable decline into old age and whither into dust - dealing with day-to-day-to-hour-to-minute-to-second PAIN that never seems to go away. All they do is sit around and examine the world exactly as it is, for them, in their own reality and live in the now, from moment to moment - living life in its bliss. I have to wonder which of us is truly “insane”. Maybe I’m just plain insane for even thinking about this.

Then again, maybe I’ll eat some paste…


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Becoming the adult (Flashlight piece for spring 2010 IJC newsletter)

Whew! The energy inside, rushing, full throttle, wind through my hair, screaming at the top of my lungs and that RUSH of gold light within me, activating my core kundalini fire from the root to the crown faster than the speed of light. In the present, I now feel truly alive. Multitude of moments, linked together in the here and now, allowing me to see, sense and know things about myself and the world around me. Life is changing rapidly in front of my eyes and yet there is an ever present stillness that connects me to my own spirit and the ground beneath my feet.

Momentary lapses of fear take hold at times, makes me question, deny and run through old programming tapes – tapes which now are cut into shorter pieces which allows me to ‘wake up’ quicker in order to question why I am thinking this or who’s voice is this in my head. My adult observer – so quiet and still, asks the ever present, current question every single time: “Are you happy?” I inhale deeply, checking in with my spirit and a calm, peaceful rush flows over me as a wash of beautiful light and I know the answer is ‘yes’.

This coming from someone who has battled deep and severe depression combined with suicidal thoughts and absolute internal rage for most of her life. To look back on my life as it was before I took the IJ back in March of 2006, to where I am now, I sometimes forget how or who I once was. To me, this new level of ‘be-ing’ feels like I’ve known this part of myself for many lifetimes and I feel at times that I have truly come ‘home’ within myself. I would not choose to do anything over again knowing what I know now because the trials, pain & suffering I went through allowed me to have the openings and core healings that I have had in the past few years and will continue to experience until I make a final transition from this life into the unknown. I would not trade any of it – for the times I felt the most pain & loss, I have now experienced such joy, passion and healing not only within myself, but with those around me who I love deeply. Especially now being with family. To come from feeling as though I had to ‘escape’ to Ottawa many years ago, to the forgiveness and bountiful love I feel for both parents now - words cannot describe the depth of gratitude I have for this work and for those around me who I have shared this experience with.

Moving from one space and transitioning into the unknown, I have jumped into my first adult relationship of my life with my eyes & heart wide open. Only six months have passed and in one way it feels as though I only met him yesterday, and at other times I feel as though I’ve been in this space for many lifetimes. At times the 100 monkeys in my mind start their screaming rants. Their questioning, their negativity, the countless fears start chiming away like out of tune, broken bells in my mind - trying to shatter the stillness of my soul. Gratitude for those around me who check me back into the here and now, even at times calling my fears ‘ridiculous’ allows me to come back to my own core and reclaim the lightness of life through laughter. Because really, how ridiculous can those judges be at times?

Daring to take the next step of moving in together, we are both open to just being here and now with each other. We are careful to not make too many future plans. Staying open to future possibilities as opposed to concrete ideas of what our future will/ should look like, has given me the flexibility and space to just breathe and experience what I am going through now, in this moment. Because who knows what the future will bring? And having no attachment to what may/ may not happen have allowed us both to experience life with a kind of innocence that I have not shared with anyone in a very long time. This innocent child inside looks at this life with new wonder and possibilities and gets very excited about this moment, right now, and how she feels inside this dynamic life.

I not only want to thank Michael and Neelama for this program, but also my dear friends who have supported my continuing transformation. Yet I save the biggest thank you which goes to me. For allowing myself to openly look at, examine and transform my life into something beyond what I could ever imagine for myself before. Holding the hand of my protector, she knows that I will take care of things from a new vantage point and as she continually points out the pit falls and threatening areas and situations, I breathe in a deep, cleansing breath, allowing the light to wash over me, becoming still and waiting patiently until spirit speaks.

Further down the rabbit hole... into essence

I found myself in a strange state of déjà-vu recently while taking my latest IJ course “Graduate Inner Journey” this July, expertly lead by both Michael and Neelama. The slight annoyance of STILL not knowing what to expect combined with these old familiar patterns, these holes of pain from the past - made me feel as though I was Alice in the new Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland”. Alice has grown up and is about to make a major life decision, then finds herself falling back down the rabbit hole and not remembering her time there before. I too found a similar fate, where things seemed to be so familiar and yet were all so drastically different at the same time. I realized they were on a different level of the spiral. To be going through the same issues I have been dealing with for several years (even before my years with the IJ), I found it absolutely frustrating and almost debilitating. I had done all this work, for what? To be faced with the same issues, to feel as though I had not progressed one iota! Believe me, I was not in my “happy, happy, joy, joy” place.

With my studies of the *enneagram with my sangha of EP2, I thought I knew what it meant to be an “ennea-type 4”. The ins and outs, ups and downs and complete and utter DRAMA of this specific quality of the enneagram - I find to be both a blessing and a curse most days. But the program itself allowed me to also explore a deeper quality of my ennea-type. With certain processes, I found myself floating, yet being present in my own natural essence. Only after having gone through a difficult emotional process, I found a beauty within myself and everyone surrounding me that cannot be described. The simple act of taking a walk completely changed the way I not only saw the world and those within it, but it fundamentally changed the way I now see myself. The ties that bound me to resist being my true self loosened once again and my wings are beginning to unfurl.

Not only to experience internally what my true essence is; but to witness the depth, clarity and beauty of all nine enneagram points literally brought my adult observer to tears each and every time. To be a part of that experience, to see myself in each aspect made me feel as though we truly came together as ‘one’ in the end. To realize our personalities and ego structures have adopted these particular ennea-energies to exist in this world – but to have my soul experience true ‘oneness’ with the group through each of the nine points took my breath away.

Considering the changes in my life that are upon me, I am grateful to both Neelama and Michael for providing the opportunity, safety and space required for my continued personal growth and for those loving souls who took this journey with me as well.

Namaste my sisters and brothers.