breathing continues...

So here I am - home in Ottawa after spending the week with my parents in Meaford and Toronto. I believe I am still recovering from not only the driving I had to do, but from also the news I have received. October 22nd my mom called me at around 10:45pm to inform me that dad needed to get a shunt put into his heart in Toronto the following Tuesday (October 28th).

Now considering my dad has never had any real health issues before, I went into mild shock I believe as my brain went immeditately to mush. What is a shunt? Why is it needed? How serious is this? Unfortunately mom did not have any answers to the questions I had (as she and dad do not have the best communication skills), I was then left to process this information myself and many tears were shed.

The next morning however, I realized how this would be amazing for my dad, so I called and left him a message saying that if they're able to get more blood flow going with this procedure, then he'd get more oxygen up and around thereby giving him more energy and that he'd feel so much better after this is all done than he has in many years.

Now my dad has never really been sick other than a few colds here and there, but over the years he has gotten more and more tired throughout the day. His personal & doctor's prognosis for the past few years is that he is just out of shape. The doctor though caught something my dad said to him during his last check up to make him want to do a heart stress test on the treadmill. The extremist people would make it to maybe 17 mins max - my dad made it to 4. Not good. So fully expecting that this next test and whatever is needed would be done on Tuesday, I decided to continue to help staff the Inner Journey Seminar in the kitchen and leave to go home to Meaford on Sunday after most of the day was done, drive the parental units down to Toronto Monday evening, stay overnight until Wednesday - just in case anything goes wrong with the procedure and then come back to stay with them for the rest of the week due to all the driving.

So off we went to Toronto last Monday evening to pay too much at the Delta hotel for 2 nights. Dad needed to have a coronary angiography done to check his heart Tuesday morning & thank god we didn't leave that morning to drive down - the construction on 401 being down to one lane for a while would have likely sent us searching for the nearest emergency room as dad is not the best at handling stress, especially Toronto traffic. We waited in the prep room and as the people and families were talking, we realized that the family beside us were from the same area (Meaford/ Clarksburg). What a small, teeny, tiny world it is. So dad had a chance to chat with Mr. V about the people they knew from the good ol' days, who lived where, who married who and how basically everyone is related to everyone in 'BFN'. I have to admit having the V's there at the same time allowed my dad and Mr. V to chat and take their minds off the tests they were about to go through and it forged a connection between our 2 families. Mr. V's wife and daughter were there - the same as us, and it was conforting to know that someone from home was sharing the same experience - feeling supported by just being there together. There were 15 people undergoing this test on Tuesday and it just so happened that we were all able to connect through this common bond to make the day go by easier.

Dad was prepped and ready to go - for hours he was ready to go. The test only took maybe 30 mins as he was being clamped when mom and I got back to the cath lab from getting some coffee. Mom went into the tv room and I went in first to see dad alone. He told me that the doctor had just told him that he will need to have a triple bypass surgery done and will likely be scheduled sooner rather than later. Being a man's man, my dad rarely shows emotion, but I have never seen this look on his face before. It was a shock for me, but I think I handled it quite well and told him that everything would be OK. Thinking back now I honestly cannot remember exactly what I said to him, but whatever it was calmed him down some. Mom came into the room at that time and he told her too. She was visably shocked and in that moment I realized something about my mother. She protects herself by trying to control and manage things and the more lack of control she feels, the more she tries to assert herself and her point of view onto you. Funny thing - after realizing this fact, it doesn't make it less annoying, but I understand now and can be compassionate towards her need to be overbearing, stubborn and quite frankly a know-it-all. She is just trying to deal with her own fear, her own issues from the past and for that - I understand and love her all the more.

We had to wait a few hours to make sure the puncture wound would close up and not bleed out and off we went back to the hotel. Both dad and mom thanked me several times for coming from Ottawa to be with them. (Don't even get me started on the 'shopping cart!' LOL!! Another blog perhaps... ) The idea of mom driving in Toronto would scare anyone so suffice it to say it was safer for me to drive them home then the idea of them ending up in another hospital for other reasons. But I think my presence there helped both of them remain calm and that helped us all.

It's a funny thing though. As I know full well that the procedure is now basically routine and that everyone and their brother seems to know someone who has had this done or something slightly different, or something even more severe so 'don't worry' - they are only meaning well - they are only trying to support me by staying positive - but I've got to be a little honest here... if one more person tells me not to worry I might jump down their throat. I am not really concerned - my dad is in great health despite his heart - he's young, he's never smoked, he doesn't drink to excess and he had already lost weight by changing his diet a while back... but it feels as though they are all missing the larger point. Donna is the only one who was as shocked as I was to hear the news, and in that shock - there was comfort.

There are no words for my father and in a way, each one's existance kept the other one alive for many years. We are 2 peas in a pod - I'm his teddy bear and he is the one parent I received unconditional love & bear hugs from. We are so much alike it is almost frightening, yet comforting at the same time - to know that someone out there shares some of the same points of view as you do. I've had to deal with a lot of death in my life - consequence of having a large family, but seeing my best friend lose her father 2.5 yrs ago & my cousins losing their mothers, my Aunt Goldie, & my Aunt Marie only a short time ago as well - I realized that I am in no way, shape or form ready to deal with the loss of my father. For one, they all have sibilings - someone to help each other through that time. I would have my friends yes, but it's not the same. ALL of the responsibility falls to me and frankly, it can be shoved up death's ass sideways for all I care. I'm not ready. In my mind and in my heart, I'm still his little girl, his teddy bear. In contrast with my mother's health issues in the past - which are considerable and scary too - I never once doubted that she wouldn't make it through. There are times when I question if she might outlive me! But with my father, as strong as he is, his will to live is not always the strongest and that is what scares the shit out of me.

So yes, thankfully the procedure has been perfected and done so many times it's basically routine now and I DO know that he will be fine... but there is still that risk. His chest cavity will be open and his heart exposed.

I would have preferred it to open in a different way.