Oneness Global Deeksha Blessing experience of May 20, 2011

I was sent an email with information from Oneness University to join into a global deeksha blessing for 12:30pm EST on Friday May 20, 2011. One of my fellow deeksha givers - a dear friend of mine Louise and I decided to meet up in downtown Ottawa over lunch to join into this global blessing. It also happened to be our teachers’ Michael & Neelama’s son’s birthday that day so a special blessing went to Kai as well.

Louise and I were able to find a corner on the second floor of the Ottawa library which was nice and quite as well as being away from the multitude of patrons. At 12:27pm we began to whisper together the moolah mantra 7 times and then we began to give deeksha into the world. This was my experience.

While my mind was in the background commenting on how this better work and how I should make sure that I stay deep and connected long enough (yadda yadda yadda…) - my spirit went into its regular deeksha blessing for the world. Honouring and giving light, love, peace and awakening to all of the world’s peoples, all creatures of land, sea and air, the wind, the sun, the moon, the creepy crawlies of the world (I still am working on loving all of them without fear) – my spirit then soared above the earth as usual and I continued to send deeksha radiating out into the universe. As I held our Mother Earth in my hands to continue to give deeksha to the entire world, a million petal lotus flower appeared above the earth, rotating in such beauty and crystal colours that are indescribable in this English language. Then, the Earth itself became a golden ball of light. My physical body was heavy at this time and I could feel the network energy connection of the blessing givers surrounding me and the Earth itself. From this distance in space it reminded my youthful spirit of the snitch from the Harry Potter film franchise. All of a sudden I felt the urge to go back into the world to see what had happened. As it appeared to be a solid golden ball from space, as I flew back through the atmosphere I realized that it was the atmosphere which was of golden light which shimmered beautifully in all colours in the sunlight. My spirit flew around the world and I was pulled down into a large city where I experienced peoples’ new experience of life. As I arrived back, I stood to witness conversations and peoples’ lives after this shift and to put it mildly, we have our priorities ass backwards now. What I saw during this meditation was people making their life choices from a position of love, as opposed to how we live our lives currently – where we make our life choices from a position of fear.

There will be a polar shift - not of the Earth; but in our hearts, minds & collective spirit. May we all remember. May we all awaken into love. Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!!

Change is inevitable - metamorphosis

~ Willow Tree's Chrysalis: "Protect and cherish; give wings to fly"


Like the butterfly, I feel as though there is another cycle of change ahead of me. Destiny or fate guiding me to a place of existence unknown to my conscious being yet, and still my spirit already knows what lies ahead. As with the butterfly effect - if I truly gain the courage to stretch out and beat my wings, how far will the effects be felt? If I truly realize who I AM and begin living a life that is truly my own and not lived inside a shell of what I think others want me to be - what effect will that have on others? On the world?

As we are all ONE - what choice do any of us have in this matter? To live an authentic life is our destiny, and yet most of us live our lives in decaying shells of judgements placed on us by other people and that we have taken on as our own belief systems. Fear is the only obstacle that stands in the way of living your authentic life. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of success. We all have underlying fears that have crept inside our psyche over our developmental years - all attributing to the fear of our own power within us. Would I still be loved if I showed the world who I really am? Am I even loved now?

Courage to face my own demons over the past several years has lifted my soul above and beyond my fears. Not all fears have disappeared; but trust has filled the space where some fears once resided. Love fills the rest. Compassion for myself has deepened my love for others. My outer shell is cracking open once again and I can feel my own wings expanding beyond the self-made limitations that once caged them. With each deep breath, there is more cracking, more movement, liberation will soon be mine.

Deliberately walking in my own skin, feeling the power within my soul - awakening to the touch of the divine residing within me.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

Sometimes life really does throw you lemons. The old adage of ‘making lemonade’ out of these lemons seems trite – even if I was to also add a heavy amount of vodka to the mix. Then I am reminded of the idea that life/god only gives you what you can handle. Well, frankly, I am at my uppermost limit of things I can handle right now so thank you very much universe. I will now gracefully tread water until the monsoon waves have died down to a light ripple once again.

My question is: why is it that everything always seems to happen at the same time? I can understand that nothing ever stays static – that the ONLY thing one can be rest assured with is that change is inevitable (no matter how much we would prefer that is just stay the same). Change, taxes and death = the 3 things we cannot avoid. But WHY does all the change have to happen at the same time?

Needless to say that I am not a huge fan of change. I am one of those resistant types who isn’t necessarily afraid of change (although at certain times I am petrified); but to be honest, I would like life to maintain a status quo. A balance of sorts, where when change does come into play, it would happen one at a time so that I could examine it, choose the best possible action/inaction, allow the change to filter into my life and adapt naturally and peacefully to a better life all around. But is that what life gives me? Absolutely not!!

I told a friend of mine about all the things that were going on in my life right now and she replied: “The good, the bad and the ugly, you covered it all didn't you!” To be honest I had not looked at it like that but ironically she hit the nail right on the head.

So here it is:

The good: I have taken my relationship to the next level and have moved in with my partner. It’s nice to be able to see him everyday now because the distance was truly very hard on me. He’s ruined me. I used to have to sleep alone, but now I can’t seem to sleep well without him next to me.

The bad: Ironically the universe has a HUGE sense of humour, knowing full well how much I DESPISE moving… the day before I moved in, the landlord told us that he was putting the place up for sale. WTF?! So, this also acts as a great deterrent to unpack.

And finally, the truly ugly: I found out last Friday that my mom’s cancer has returned after 25 years. Her primary cancer 25 years ago was in her intestine; now it is in her breast. The surgeon is going to schedule the operation asap (within a few weeks) and will do the dye test that morning to check and see if it will just be a lumpectomy, or a full radical mastectomy. She’s taking the news as well as can be expected – better than expected actually. She sees it as having 25 bonus extra healthy years. What scares me a bit is that it seems as though she is already planning how she will die and how long she will stick around. I myself am torn. I am happy that she is in a good place right now about it in her head, she is turning 75 this year so she’s lived a good life; she didn’t die when I was 12 so I too had an extra bonus of having her around to watch me grow and look after me. I am however, not quite ready to lose my mom. How can one rationalize death? Especially of one’s parents? I have many friends who have either lost one or even both of their parents at a young age, and I was always grateful to be someone who has both still… but for how long?

We all had a scare last year when my dad had to have a quadruple bypass surgery. Pretty scary for someone who has never been severely sick before, and even more difficult to deal with his stubbornness. But he survived and is doing well thankfully. But does mom have it in her to stick it out and stay? My deepest fear is seeing her suffer the way my aunt and uncle did. I would like to spare her of that, but sadly that decision is out of my hands. All I can do is remember to breathe, pray for the best and take each moment as it comes. Forget day-by-day, it’s moment-to-moment for me now.

xoxo

Archived writings (2006): Home

If I’ve been away from here too long, my body starts to ache, my mind begins to clutter and every day anxiety builds to a point of explosion. The long and scenic drive that is necessary to bring me back to this freedom is in its very essence - a transformative voyage. From the city streets and the busy, violent traffic leading to a quiet, two-lane granny highway through the rough terrain of the Canadian shield and Kawartha Lakes; through Orillia and Lake Simcoe; reaching Horseshoe valley to Highway 26 - the final stretch all the way to Meaford on the shores of Nottawasaga Bay – an arm of the mighty Georgian. Driving by forests, swamps and lakes, through the new beginnings of spring to the dangerous and unexpected blinding snow and ice of the Canadian winters – I drive my small car through anything to recharge my soul’s batteries. Once my car’s wheels hit the familiar pavement of Highway 26, my memories flood back and I then know ‘it’s all downhill from here’. Driving past the lookout at Craigleith and seeing the bay in all it’s glory always takes my breath away and the familiar tears of remembrance fall slowly down my cheek – every single time.

Life is different here. The normal hustle and bustle of everyday city life has evaporated. Subtle nuances of a slower more patient existence flows naturally from the every day parlances of the locals among themselves. Every breath is a beginning, full of life’s energy and power. The air is different here, not just in the lack of smog and pollution, but with the hint of fresh water air, life and numerous possibilities. Every day is the same, yet different in every moment. I stand outside with my arms outstretched and breathe in the spring air. Its light scent takes me back to a time when I was young – playful and innocent. Breathing deep into my belly fills me with the air of new possibility.

Being here calms every cell in my body. My mind clears, my soul opens and I realize life is truly beautiful. My body vibrates to the energy that seems to radiate from the glorious combination of the majestic Blue Mountain and the dynamic Georgian Bay. I walk down the newly rebuilt boardwalk to the break wall of Meaford’s harbour. This is my place. This is where I find solitude and peace. I climb on the rocks that divide the mighty bay from the inlet of the harbour and I watch life in every moment of breath. The sunlight rippling off the water, the gulls fishing for food, the sailboats gracefully crossing the horizon – every moment is in its grace. Nowhere on Earth have I ever felt this connection – so real and unadulterated. This is what all humans search for - this moment, this peace. I am fortunate to recognize and have such access to this beauty - for this is my home.

Archived writings (Apr 2006): Ex 2 - Short detailed emotions

BEAUTY

The folds of the petals are so soft and silky to the touch. So tender and delicate, it seems as though a simple breath could prove disastrous. The brightness of the white rose, so gentle and pure, gracefully dancing in the light and playful summer breeze is completely breathtaking. The soft flowing veins within each petal to guide the bees to nectar is god’s map to bliss. The aroma of the rose is pure and unadulterated. No artificial chemical compound can come close to the pure essence of the rose. The heady aroma flows lightly upon the summer air and I drift slowly into a daydream state remembering youthful days spent in my mother’s rose garden.


BEAUTY II

His eyes are transfixed and are unable to move. There she is, sitting on the park bench ahead of him so free and yet so alone. His gaze moves over her slowly. Her hair is radiant under the sun’s afternoon rays and flows down her back like a satin river of ebony. He wants to reach out and put his fingers through the long soft strands and lose himself in the light and fresh shampoo that she always uses. The wind catches her skirt and playfully brushes against her legs. He sees that she has been out walking again as her skin is brushed with a tint of coppery bronze. He remembers when she cries her blue eyes turn to a shade of translucent blue glass that tears his heart open. He knows he hurt her. Will she ever forgive him?


LAUGHTER

Their eyes are alive with the fierceness of playful giddiness. She tries to recapture her composure and puts on the attempted mask of serious defence and manages to blurt out ‘Stop tickling me! I MEAN it!’ His grin slowly expands across his face like the Cheshire cat’s as his arms reaches out to her body. Her chest heaves with anticipated breath, as she now knows her fate. She’s caught and there’s no escape. His hands are quick and alive. They’re all over her body like lightning, lightly touching, gentle tickles that never end. Her laugh escapes uncontrollably and she can’t catch her breath. Her face is flushed as she squirms under his weight. His laughter at her roars and he continues his pursuit.


LOVE

She has never felt this before, this strange foreign emotion. She looks into his eyes and she sees him, not the façade he projects into the surrounding world; but the pure, strong, beautiful essence that is his masculinity. His eyes are deep they seem to draw her soul into him. He smiles at her lovingly and she knows that he will not hurt her, that she is finally safe. His strength not only radiates from him physically, but emotionally as well and she feels as though this is the one person in this world she can let inside her heart. He will protect and honour this fragile item and protect it even from her self-deprecating mind. A part of her mind is fighting this, saying this is corny, he would never feel this way about you… but he steps forward and close enough for her to smell his freshly scented soap and is finally able to relax in the nearness of him. She can feel his breath on her skin. His hands reach out and slowly caress her shoulders. He knows she’s dealing with many emotions and family issues – some of which she has not let him in to know yet. She is so delicate that he feels the need to protect her from even the slightest harm. He takes her into his arms and she collapses into his body. His strength she has learned to rely on is here and now.


HATE /RAGE

The dark energy overtakes my body, making my core shake. My extremities are on fire and it is though I will explode in a nanosecond. My heart is now cold and dead as I glare at my enemy. Love does not exist in this place, only the darkest, deepest, most vile and disturbing hate that cannot even be named. I try and spit but the taste cannot be purged. I loathe this beast and the only thing stopping me from tearing into his skin with my fingernails and ripping his black heart out with my bare hands is the fact that prison bars separate him from me. I feel my eyes are on fire as I completely lose control, screaming, killing him with my mind in so many horrific, x-rated ways full of blood, guts and gore. The sounds that come out of my mouth are no longer human; they are from my primal core – dark, anguished and full of anger and power – and yet there is silence. I stare at him with the will to taste blood. My attorney turns to me to ask if I would like something to drink. I smile at my thoughts as I would reply ‘Yes, to taste in the victory of his death, I would like some of his blood’. I turn to the young struggling soul beside me and reply ‘No, I am fine. Thank you.’

Archived writings (Apr 2006): "This is what I¹m thinking..."

This is what I¹m thinking, alone among all these crazy people. What is it exactly that defines sane from insane? Sanity is defined by social norms, by what is considered “normal” by our peers. Yet if I was anywhere else - in another country, another tribe, surrounded by people who have other notions of what is sane – I might be the one that’s insane. Maybe they are all normal, and I’m the abnormality. Maybe eating paste does require a higher functionality than what I possess. I mean, who eats paste? Why do they eat paste? Maybe a wax crayon or two thrown in there for good measure would not only mix up the textures but also provide a distinct yet familiar flavour from childhood. Maybe “my fragile little mind” as Cartman from South Park would say, can’t handle the truth and purity of eating paste. Is there a difference in hierarchy of those who eat paste compared to those who eat bugs? There are various societies who have survived by eating various creatures, insects included. Who am I to say that they are insane because I prefer not to taste the exoskeleton of a 6-legged creature that spends its life in the dirt or god forbid - feces? If it’s normal for some, how can it be considered abnormal for another?

I have to also consider that if I were to be in a room full of serial killers, would I then not be the odd-person out? The abnormality thereby defined as insane by those around me? I mean, I’m sure there has to be something fundamentally wrong with these people, there has to be – but what exactly is it that makes them insane? Is it the act itself? Is it the thoughts behind the act? It is the thoughts leading up to the act? Is it their childhood being reflected back into the present time affecting their decisions in the here and now? If they grew up in a violent home and violence towards others is the only thing they know, then it’s their “norm”; therefore it’s sane for them. It’s the only thing that makes sense to them. I mean - norms are essentially what we learn from birth onward. It’s what we’re taught, to colour inside the lines, to deviate is to be punished – but who decides what is the absolute right and wrong? State? Religion? Parents? CNN? If it was an absolute right against an absolute wrong – why are there so many differences in all of the cultures of our small little mother earth?

I must admit, that without these differences, we’d live life as clones of each other. Nothing different, everything the same just so none of us were considered “different”. How would we grow? How would we learn from each other if we were all identical? Some twisted and sick horror film would result and there would be absolutely no meaning to life. What is the meaning of life anyway? Hasn’t it been thought over and hashed out for millennia? Why are we then no closer to the truth? Maybe, it’s because we continue to search outwards for the answers instead of within ourselves.

I think the crazy people are the sanest of all of us. They don’t care about the price of gas; how their RRSPs and other futures are doing on the stock market; if the car they drive or the house they live in is “respectable” enough for their “class”; how they will deal with their own fragile bodies once it starts it’s inevitable decline into old age and whither into dust - dealing with day-to-day-to-hour-to-minute-to-second PAIN that never seems to go away. All they do is sit around and examine the world exactly as it is, for them, in their own reality and live in the now, from moment to moment - living life in its bliss. I have to wonder which of us is truly “insane”. Maybe I’m just plain insane for even thinking about this.

Then again, maybe I’ll eat some paste…


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Becoming the adult (Flashlight piece for spring 2010 IJC newsletter)

Whew! The energy inside, rushing, full throttle, wind through my hair, screaming at the top of my lungs and that RUSH of gold light within me, activating my core kundalini fire from the root to the crown faster than the speed of light. In the present, I now feel truly alive. Multitude of moments, linked together in the here and now, allowing me to see, sense and know things about myself and the world around me. Life is changing rapidly in front of my eyes and yet there is an ever present stillness that connects me to my own spirit and the ground beneath my feet.

Momentary lapses of fear take hold at times, makes me question, deny and run through old programming tapes – tapes which now are cut into shorter pieces which allows me to ‘wake up’ quicker in order to question why I am thinking this or who’s voice is this in my head. My adult observer – so quiet and still, asks the ever present, current question every single time: “Are you happy?” I inhale deeply, checking in with my spirit and a calm, peaceful rush flows over me as a wash of beautiful light and I know the answer is ‘yes’.

This coming from someone who has battled deep and severe depression combined with suicidal thoughts and absolute internal rage for most of her life. To look back on my life as it was before I took the IJ back in March of 2006, to where I am now, I sometimes forget how or who I once was. To me, this new level of ‘be-ing’ feels like I’ve known this part of myself for many lifetimes and I feel at times that I have truly come ‘home’ within myself. I would not choose to do anything over again knowing what I know now because the trials, pain & suffering I went through allowed me to have the openings and core healings that I have had in the past few years and will continue to experience until I make a final transition from this life into the unknown. I would not trade any of it – for the times I felt the most pain & loss, I have now experienced such joy, passion and healing not only within myself, but with those around me who I love deeply. Especially now being with family. To come from feeling as though I had to ‘escape’ to Ottawa many years ago, to the forgiveness and bountiful love I feel for both parents now - words cannot describe the depth of gratitude I have for this work and for those around me who I have shared this experience with.

Moving from one space and transitioning into the unknown, I have jumped into my first adult relationship of my life with my eyes & heart wide open. Only six months have passed and in one way it feels as though I only met him yesterday, and at other times I feel as though I’ve been in this space for many lifetimes. At times the 100 monkeys in my mind start their screaming rants. Their questioning, their negativity, the countless fears start chiming away like out of tune, broken bells in my mind - trying to shatter the stillness of my soul. Gratitude for those around me who check me back into the here and now, even at times calling my fears ‘ridiculous’ allows me to come back to my own core and reclaim the lightness of life through laughter. Because really, how ridiculous can those judges be at times?

Daring to take the next step of moving in together, we are both open to just being here and now with each other. We are careful to not make too many future plans. Staying open to future possibilities as opposed to concrete ideas of what our future will/ should look like, has given me the flexibility and space to just breathe and experience what I am going through now, in this moment. Because who knows what the future will bring? And having no attachment to what may/ may not happen have allowed us both to experience life with a kind of innocence that I have not shared with anyone in a very long time. This innocent child inside looks at this life with new wonder and possibilities and gets very excited about this moment, right now, and how she feels inside this dynamic life.

I not only want to thank Michael and Neelama for this program, but also my dear friends who have supported my continuing transformation. Yet I save the biggest thank you which goes to me. For allowing myself to openly look at, examine and transform my life into something beyond what I could ever imagine for myself before. Holding the hand of my protector, she knows that I will take care of things from a new vantage point and as she continually points out the pit falls and threatening areas and situations, I breathe in a deep, cleansing breath, allowing the light to wash over me, becoming still and waiting patiently until spirit speaks.

Further down the rabbit hole... into essence

I found myself in a strange state of déjà-vu recently while taking my latest IJ course “Graduate Inner Journey” this July, expertly lead by both Michael and Neelama. The slight annoyance of STILL not knowing what to expect combined with these old familiar patterns, these holes of pain from the past - made me feel as though I was Alice in the new Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland”. Alice has grown up and is about to make a major life decision, then finds herself falling back down the rabbit hole and not remembering her time there before. I too found a similar fate, where things seemed to be so familiar and yet were all so drastically different at the same time. I realized they were on a different level of the spiral. To be going through the same issues I have been dealing with for several years (even before my years with the IJ), I found it absolutely frustrating and almost debilitating. I had done all this work, for what? To be faced with the same issues, to feel as though I had not progressed one iota! Believe me, I was not in my “happy, happy, joy, joy” place.

With my studies of the *enneagram with my sangha of EP2, I thought I knew what it meant to be an “ennea-type 4”. The ins and outs, ups and downs and complete and utter DRAMA of this specific quality of the enneagram - I find to be both a blessing and a curse most days. But the program itself allowed me to also explore a deeper quality of my ennea-type. With certain processes, I found myself floating, yet being present in my own natural essence. Only after having gone through a difficult emotional process, I found a beauty within myself and everyone surrounding me that cannot be described. The simple act of taking a walk completely changed the way I not only saw the world and those within it, but it fundamentally changed the way I now see myself. The ties that bound me to resist being my true self loosened once again and my wings are beginning to unfurl.

Not only to experience internally what my true essence is; but to witness the depth, clarity and beauty of all nine enneagram points literally brought my adult observer to tears each and every time. To be a part of that experience, to see myself in each aspect made me feel as though we truly came together as ‘one’ in the end. To realize our personalities and ego structures have adopted these particular ennea-energies to exist in this world – but to have my soul experience true ‘oneness’ with the group through each of the nine points took my breath away.

Considering the changes in my life that are upon me, I am grateful to both Neelama and Michael for providing the opportunity, safety and space required for my continued personal growth and for those loving souls who took this journey with me as well.

Namaste my sisters and brothers.

Entering the Green Lataif of Compassion

This past weekend the Canadian EP2 group ventured into the green lataif with our teacher Michael Schiesser to enter into the world of compassion. Not just for those who enter our lives (friends, family, etc), but for the world at large and more importantly, having compassion for oneself. I find this to be extremely difficult, but through ongoing work with others, by holding space for someone as they go through a difficult process, I am able to have abundant compassion for them. And when their issues trigger something within me, as in a similar issue I myself deal with, being able to hold them in compassion, then in return allows me to hold myself in a space of compassion because I realise in that moment that I am no different - not better or worse than the person in front of me. And if I can hold compassion for them, I can see where I can have the same compassion for myself.

Michael asked us to think of one or two personal issues that we will look at in order to find compassion for ourselves in areas where we are unforgiving of ourselves to examine and look at over the next 3 months. I have chosen to look at my own body image: my beliefs, values and difficulties with my body and my body image - how I see it as well as how I think others view it. It has been a core wound for me for my entire life and am hoping I am ready to finally face this core issue with grace guiding me.

Sending love & compassion out to my sisters and brothers in my EP2 sangha, as well as to everyone inhabiting this gorgeous blue planet of ours.

Namaste.

So here I am at work, after only having about 3 hours of sleep last night. Which is all fine and good, but I am struggling to stay alert. I was holding space for a friend last night who is going through the most bizarre break-up I have personally ever witnessed. After many hours of talking, tears and laughter, she left feeling better about herself and more clear about her situation and what she needs to do now. I am grateful to have the friends in my life that I do have because they have all been there for me on many occasions, supporting me and I am just happy to be able to repay the favour at times.

I am looking forward to visiting my man this weekend. This week has been the longest we've been apart since we started dating actually. It feels a bit weird, but also good. Change is in the air and we are heading towards the change together. We've decided to move in together when my lease is over at the end of August. As this is what I consider my first "grown up" & real relationship, I find myself questioning everything from time to time. When I realize my judges are up and in attack mode in my mind, I just stop, take a breath and ask myself the most important question: "Am I happy?" Answer so far has always been: "Yes". So forward on I go. The areas of my relationship where I question whether or not it will last - I end up laughing after because I realize there is nothing, NOTHING that is a guarantee in this life. I could end up getting hit by OC Transpo tomorrow or something else could happen that is out of my control (because change is the ONLY thing that is a guarantee - that and death) - so while I am here, in this moment, checking in with myself to see whether or not I am truly happy is the only barometer I plan on using. He is such an incredible man and I have learned so much about myself in only 6 months because of him and for that - I am truly grateful. :)

I am likely rambling on and on and not making much sense, but I have promised myself to write more and if this means rambling on for myself then so be it. I am positive this blog only has me reading it so it is nice to have a record of where my mind and heart were at at any given period of time.

I truly hope that if there is anyone reading this, that you have a wonderful weekend. Celebrate life - because it's the only time you're ever going to be here, in this space, as you are right now. Remembering we are all connected by the space inbetween...

Namaste